The concept of “home” tends to be a tricky one that creates different feelings and connotations for everyone. How would you define home? Is it the place you currently live? Is it the place you grew up? Is it where your parents are? Is it where the heart is? There is no concrete answer to this question and of course it’s up to the individual to define home for himself or herself.
Since moving to Berlin, I have continued to call Carmel, Indiana home; the place where my parents are, where I grew up, went to school, the place my friends are. Now that I have been in Berlin for about 3 and a half months now, I have begun to rethink the idea of home. Prior to leaving for Berlin, I had already begun to contemplate what was home for me and if Carmel still filled that role. As I spent a few months at “home” before leaving I realized that what I went home for was really no longer there. I am at that point where so many of my friends have created new lives for themselves, many of which are not based in Carmel. My friends have gotten married and have created new families and homes with their new spouses. Friends have graduated school; no one is on the same regulated school schedule that guarantees that your friends will be home for Christmas for three weeks and Thanksgiving. When I go home, I go home to be in the house I grew up in and to see my parents. Even this changed while I was at home for a few months and now seeing parents has become a scheduled event. I was sad to leave Carmel in February, but at the same time, I thought about how I wasn’t really leaving home, I was going to my new home.
When I was in Freiburg in 2009 for about 5 months, I began to call that home. That was where I returned after traveling, it was where my stuff was, and it was where my friends were. I knew that city, I was comfortable and I was always happy to return after a weekend away. Now I am in Berlin and I feel the same way about this city. When visiting Berlin in 2009, my friend Liz and I discussed how happy we were to not live in Berlin for our semester abroad because we had no idea how we would ever figure out the public transportation and we thought we would never know how to go somewhere without having to look it up beforehand. Now that I have been here for a few months, I have figured it out and I know where I need to be and how to get there. Of course I have to look at the map sometimes, but I do feel comfortable knowing where to go.
This past weekend Julian and I went to his home to see his parents and to spend time at their lake house. It was so peaceful and relaxing and I was thrilled to be able to leave the city. I think we probably saw the same, if not less, number of people the entire weekend as were in the Hauptbahnhof when we returned. It was great to relax and I was sad to come back, but once I was back home I knew I was home and I felt relieved to be there. It was my space and I was there with someone I care for.
Once I settled back in and checked my email, I learned that my house in Carmel would no longer be my house. My mom had made the decision to rent it to another family because she doesn’t want it sit empty. I was considerably upset about this and couldn’t begin to fathom not having my home any more. As I sat there crying with Julian there comforting me, he reminded me that I had a new home now and it was in Berlin. I don’t even have a return ticket to Carmel. I have an apartment that I am paying for, that is furnished mainly with things I bought and where most of my stuff is (of course some of my valuable shoes aren’t there, but that can be remedied), and it is where I go to relax and feel at peace.
My family is changing, my future is up in the air and I have no idea where life will take me. I am nearing that proverbial and clichéd crossroads in life and all I can do is take a deep breathe and hope for the best. My friends are all over the US and even world. It is sad that we aren’t all located in the same spot so we can easily see each other, but really it’s just another great reason to travel. Those times apart only make the times together better. There is a quote I found in Glamour magazine once about friendship and you may laugh because it was Glamour, but they were still solid advice:
"Separation and distance are natural parts of the friendship life cycle. We grow at different rates and in different directions, and sometimes we are better apart than we are together. And it's tough when your friend has a big job or a great love or a new baby and you don't. Being out of step can be excruciating, but it can also push you to evolve in ways you otherwise wouldn't. If you miss her, be brave; call her. And think of how many more stories you'll have to catch up on when you reconnect - maybe enough to fill a book."
I always think about this quote when I miss my friends and when I think about where everyone else is in their life in comparison to mine, but life isn’t a competition. These are my friends and I want only the best for them. What makes our friendship so great is how different we are and how we connect on so many different levels. When I finally see my friends, I know that it will be like we never said bye and had only been apart a day.
My current home is Berlin and right now I am at home with that special person in my life and I couldn’t be happier about it. Life will figure itself out and we will all find out “home,” whether that is in Berlin, Lincoln, Nebraska, California, Boston, or Chicago. Home is where you’re happy and where those things/people in your life that make you happy are. What was in Carmel served as my home at one point and now it is just a house, a place to stay when I do decide to return.
